I Really Should not Have Left the House

I'd like to start this week by saying the following:

If anyone knows how I'm supposed to actually capitalize this post's title, let me know!  I have a handy dandy capitalization resource here somewhere, but currently too lazy to get it out.  Oh, and I don't want just personal opinion, I'll need some references cited! 

Now, on with our story:

Sunday afternoon, as usual, the "One Dad's Life" family had a number of different events to be at simultaneously.  Simultaneously is hard! My wife and oldest daughter had a musical rehearsal, and the youngest a soccer game.  We also had a major church/fund-raising event later in the evening.  Since we have strict rules about the seven year old driving - only under close adult supervision,  I was obviously going to the soccer game.

Time between church in the morning and the game early afternoon was tight, as always, so as soon as I got done packing my guitar equipment from church, I bundled Rachel (the youngest daughter previously mentioned) into the car and rushed off to the soccer game.  Since I didn't want her to die on the field from starvation (she eats every 20 minutes, it seems) as that would make me look like a bad parent, I stopped at McDonalds...marginally less bad...to get her some Chicken McNuggets prior to her game.  

Thankfully, the drive-through line was short, and we placed our order.  When I got to the pickup window, the first inkling that things weren't going so well came to me.  Rather, it became obvious to me.   The car died.

Awesome.

Immediately, I thought of the line of hungry McDonalds customers behind me.  If I detained them from their food, there could be a riot.   I could be hurt.  My daughter could be hurt!

Then, I saw that the gas gauge was on empty.  I'd heard of people filling up their car with leftover fry oil, but was pretty sure that wouldn't work on my gasoline engine.  Fortunately, the car the started right back up.

Close one.

The girl at the window handed us our drinks (no straws), and then asked us to pull forward to wait for the food.

Great.

There was another vehicle in front of me also waiting for food, and I pulled in behind them.   I tried to leave enough room that I could pull around them if I got my food first, but there really wasn't room.  I could barely leave enough room for the car behind me.  I just KNEW I was going to get stuck from that car.  Or run out of gas, waiting.

And we waited.  And waited some more.

Pretty soon, the cars behind me started honking at me to get out of the way.  Of course, there was no place for me to go, so "let them honk" I said.  Besides, I could see the front wheels of the car behind ours in my mirror before the honking, so there was PLENTY of room for them to pull out, originally.  Evidently though, they didn't notice me parked there and pulled RIGHT UP TO MY BUMPER before realizing I wasn't going anywhere.  The riotous customers behind them pulled right up to THEIR bumper in an effort to get their McDonalds fat sooner. 

This caused something of a log-jamb.

"Morons", I thought.  Which wasn't very nice, but probably apt.  The "morons" were honking a little more angrily now.  I wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to do, since the potential morons had wedged me in against the truck in front of me.  If he pulled forward, he would be blocking the driving lane.

The honking continued.  I was getting tired of the honking, and also tired of waiting for my food.  My temperature was rising.

Finally, someone behind me walked up to MY window and asked me, fairly politely actually, to please move forward so that they could get out.  The way this person explained things, it seems that I was blocking everyone in.   Apparently, he didn't notice the truck in front of me that I was pulled up against...or the fact that the person behind me (not him) had managed to pull RIGHT UP TO MY BUMPER and everyone else pulled right up to the bumpers of the cars in front of them.  I assumed the fairly polite person was one of them.  I didn't really see a good way out and couldn't figure out a way to turn all the wheels 90 degrees from their current orientation so I could just slide out sideways. Apparently, ford mini-vans don't yet have that James Bond car capability.

So, I explained to the man, slightly exasperated, that it actually wasn't ME blocking them in, but the fact that a truck was immediately in front of me and I could not pull forward, and that I didn't have my food causing the original wait yet, AND that they had all pulled right up to my bumper, rather than just driving around me initially.

Just so you know, I did not point out that I thought they were all morons.  After all, from their perspective, I had clearly caused this problem. Clearly.

After a couple minutes of honking and thinly veiled death threats, the truck in front of me finally got their food and drove off, allowing me to pull forward another car length.  The person behind me followed...RIGHT UP TO MY BUMPER.  I was quite certain that THEY, at least, actually were a moron!  The cars behind them pulled around...many of them giving me the signal which means, "Hi Y'all!  Welcome to the neighborhood" according to the Beverly Hillbillies movie.  I think it can also mean, "HEY! You are number one!", though they used an odd finger for that "number one" idea.  It wasn't the index finger.

Morons.

Well. we continued to wait for our food. I'd like to say I was waiting patiently, BUT I WAS NOT.  I was fuming...and close to having my head explode as car after car drove through the drive-thru and got THEIR food just fine. 

I pulled out my ticket to verify how long I had been there.  Over ten minutes!  That was too long, I thought.  You can cook a steak in just about that much time. Cars continued through the drive-thru.   We were now going to be late for soccer.  Also, the car died again.  Apparently, gas didn't just beam into the tank just because I wanted it too.  If we were really out of gas, we were DEFINITELY going to be late.  I figured if I ran out of gas, I'd make the McDonalds employees all run across the street with Large soda cups to buy me gas.  Serve them right, I thought.

I couldn't just run inside and ask how things were coming along with our meal, because, well, I don't know. I was afraid of losing my place and I was sure if I pulled into a spot, they'd come right out with the food and then I wouldn't be there.

By now, 16 minutes had passed.  I was beginning to think there might be "morons" inside the building, too.

Then I had the brilliant idea.  I know! Yeah me! Their phone number was probably on the receipt, I could call them and check on their progress.  I was NOT a moron!  Well, other than for going to McDonalds in the first place.  So, I placed a call to the McDonalds I was waiting in the drive-thru at.  "Thanks for calling McDonalds!" a cheerful voice said on the phone.  I was not cheerful.  I said, "Hi. I'm waiting in the drive-thru lane for my food and have been here for over 16 minutes since I paid.  I'm wondering if you might have an estimate as to when my food might be ready."  BTW, this is an EXACT quote of what I said.  I was holding my rage in pretty good, I thought. 

The cheerful voice was now sounding confused. "We didn't know anyone was waiting in the lane", the slightly less cheerful and now perplexed voice said.   "Well, I am" I replied, "look out your window."  "Also, you are the ones that put me in this spot!"

"OK" said the voice slowly, "what would you like?"

I'm not really certain what kept me in the car.  Every fiber in my being wanted to leap out my open car window, into the store, climb over the counter and...and...and... Well, that's where I ran out of ideas. Plus, I would have probably injured myself leaping out of the car window.  So I stayed in the car on the phone with the now somewhat cheerful and more perplexed voice.  "I'd like my order." I replied.  See?  I'm no moron!  "What was in your order?"  the voice responded. 

Oh.  Maybe I am a moron.  Anyway, I recounted the order, and told them I already had the drinks, but no straws. "I'll get that right together for you", said the confident voice.  "Thanks" I said, and hung up.  Then I waited.  Eventually, out came the food.  21 Minutes.  GOOD GRIEF.  I said something snarkily about hoping the food was fresh after a 21 minute wait, and then exited the drive-thru.   As I was passing the food back to my daughter, I realized that I didn't have any straws.  Still.

Spots started swimming before my eyes...and then bigger spots swam in and ate the little spots.  I think I was seeing a parable in real life, or a vision, or a vision of a parable.  I seriously did not have time to go back for straws.  And yes, I was losing it.  I'm not proud of that, just telling it like it is!

So, I told my daughter that she was going to have to very carefully drink her drink without a straw...meaning removal of the lid.  I'm sure you can see where this is headed, but I didn't...you know, 'cause of the spots and all.  I was busy with the spots.  Oh, and driving. Spots and driving are not a good combination.

So, next, my daughter tries to hand me the lid from the back seat, saying "I can't reach the trash."   Of course, she was reaching OVER the trash in her attempt to pass me the lid, so I looked back to see why she couldn't get to the trash - squinting through the spots of course.

It was then that I noticed she was POURING her chocolate shake on the floor.  POURING.

I lost it.

I'm really not sure what kept me on the road for the next mile, or what kept my head from exploding.  I really should not have left the house, it seemed.  It was then that I realized that the only thing she was pouring the chocolate shake on was my oldest daughter's backpack...which was STILL in the car and dumped on the floor between the back seats (captains chairs in a van).

SWEET JUSTICE AS LAST!!!!

I got on them all the time about leaving mounds of stuff in the car, and leaving it on the ground, because someday, SOMETHING WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO IT!  Today was SOMEDAY.  My rage turned to joy! Granted, this joy was at the expense of my older daughter, but still it was JOY!

I started giggling.  It was kind of a maniacal giggling, but it did start making me feel better.  For once, my kids were bearing the brunt of the consequences I always warned them about instead of me!  I praised the glorious chocolate milkshake and incompetent McDonalds employees and the moron drivers behind me in line because it all resulted in JUSTICE!  Glorious sweet JUSTICE!

Life was good!

Of course, this was joy at someone else's expense, as my daughter now had to wash her backpack. So, that wasn't really good, but hopefully there were lessons learned in there somewhere.  I feel bad for losing my mind over what amounts to spilt milk, and also about reveling in my oldest daughters misfortune...well, really I don't feel that bad about the backpack...just the losing my mind part.

But...JUSTICE!

Life is good.

Comments

[Todd Jordan]

Lesson 1 - don't go to McDonalds
Lesson 2 - yes, there are lots of morons out there
Lesson 3 - one of those morons might be us

I feel so much better about my day already and it hasn't even happened yet. :)

Thanks for sharing this exasperating story. Made me smile.

[Gregg]

Sad thing is, there is even more to this story, but it was already taking so long to tell!

[Dan]

So, you got to be Chevy Chase for a day and lived to tell about it. Awesome.

[abunslife]

You demonstrated a lot of patience! Much more than I would have been able to...and I am sure that your daughter will not leave her back pack in the car for a long time......

[Mel]

I would have told you how to capitalize your title, but since you made me feel obligated, I won't do it. ;-) This is just unbelievable to me. If you've heard our Little Caesar's Pizza story, you know that my dh wouldn't have waited in the car for 20+ minutes. LOL You ought to send a link to your blog to McDonalds. Then you can be like my dh and score yourself some free food. Heck, as a psychologist, I'd say you have a case for pain and suffering (read mental illness) induced by their poor service. Let me know if you need me to testify that you're nuts. LOL