Why Does Toilet Paper Have to be so Confusing?

Why is it so difficult to buy toilet paper?  I'm not talking about actually finding and then obtaining the toilet paper, mind you. That's easy enough.  I'm also not talking about any psychological issues with buying something as "private" as toilet paper.  I don't have any problem with grabbing the MEGA super-value pack and walking around the store with it. I mean, really, think of the alternatives!

I'm not even talking about picking a brand, though the claims on the rolls of toilet paper crack me up. Example: "A guaranteed clean!"   Really?  There's a guarantee on the clean level?  How do you cash in on this guarantee?  Do you have to bring in the section of the paper that proved ineffective?  Do you have to SHOW how it didn't work?  Just as a hunch, I'm betting no one has ever cashed in on this guarantee.  Personally, I was sold years ago my Mr. Whipple and his squeezable softness.  That's brilliant!  Reverse psychology in action: "Hey kids, whatever you do, DON'T squeeze the rolls. They are just deliciously soft!  Don't do it! No, No!"  Of course, everyone IS going to squeeze it, and when they find delight in the softness, they'll buy!

So, here's the problem that makes buying toilet paper so difficult. (Yes, this really is a post about buying toilet paper. Don't try and tell me that you haven't wanted to do the same thing!)  Toilet paper is packaged in a number of different size packages, from the dainty 4-roll variety, all the way up to the MEGA super-value packs.  You'd think that all you have to do is count the number of rolls in the pack, look at the selling price, and divide the price by the number of rolls to come up with the pack that is the best value.

Well, that might work with SweetTarts, or AA batteries, but it sure doesn't work with toilet paper. No.  Because toilet paper rolls ARE DIFFERENT in every. Single. Package.  There may be one package that advertises "big" rolls, while another advertises "MEGA" rolls.  Another may have "two-ply" rolls, and yet another have "20% extra for free" rolls.  They ALL compare themselves to a fictitious roll called "normal" that I don't believe even exists.  For example: "contains 24 MEGA rolls which equals 60 'normal' rolls."

Great. 

Let's just look for those "normal" rolls and see how the pricing works out, shall we?  Oh, wait. THERE AREN'T ANY.  Ok, let's look at another package. "Contains 12 BIG rolls which equals 24 'normal' rolls."  OK, for all you algebra fans out there, this actually provides enough information to compare these two packages for value.  I think.  Just like I don't want to use algebra while shopping at Target (I'm usually on my lunch break after all. I'm officially off the hook from using algebra at lunch, right?), I don't want to use algebra while writing a blog post, either. 

I still can't tell WHICH ONE IS THE BEST DEAL! There are at least two more different packages to  compare. Obviously, they are trying to confuse you. That's right, toilet paper is sold on the basis of misdirection and confusion!  Of course, neither of those packages has the same size roll, either.  What a mess.  I'm not even certain if the small print on the container works.  There are two variables that I am currently researching: number of squares, and total square feet of toilet paper.  These areas have issues, too, in that I'm not certain the squares are even the same size, or if the total square feet of the package includes each "ply" laid on top of the other, or next to each other.

So, you are probably wondering which one I bought, right?

I bought the package that was on sale.  If it's on sale, it must be the good deal, right? 

Comments

[Shannon]

We just went through this Wednesday night while shopping at our new Walmart SuperCenter in Arnold. I was trying to get the biggest bang for our buck...I walked out overwhelmed and with a 4-pack of slightly larger than normal rolls which will last two and a half days in our household of 8.

[Nathan]

Perhaps you should compare them by weight. Surly the lowest price per gram is the best deal. This should help normalize between two ply and one ply. Just make sure you remove the cardboard tube in case they try to trick you by using a particularly heavy cardboard tube.