Early Saturday morning, my wife and I woke up to sound of our oldest daughter in desperate need for some Ibuprofen. The problem was, she isn't very good at finding things, and couldn't find any liquid Motrin. My wife announced that we must be out and she would have to use the pill form.
A wail erupted from the kid that sounded something like a coyote barking at the moon...but much less picturesque...and a bit funnier, actually. However, as she was desperate, she agreed to give it a try.
When my wife produced a couple of liquid gelcaps and said, "Here, take these", you would have thought that we had asked her to swallow a couple of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches! That reminds me, I really miss "Fear Factor." Are they available on DVD? "They are HUGE", Rebecca cried, "I can't DO it!"
Like I said, though, she was desperate and was determined to give it a try.
"Atta girl, Rebecca! We're proud of you" we said in chorus as we headed back to bed. We were tired after the drive back from Kansas City and making cookie dough in the evening. I was certainly not ready to start the day, I'll tell you what.
"It won't go down! There is no way this is going to work!" my daughter moaned from the other room. I'm pretty sure she also mentioned that she was going to die, or something. I'm unclear whether that was from the pain or from trying to swallow the pill, or what. Whatever, I was not ready to face the day, and I certainly wasn't ready to try and figure out a near teen in distress.
This went on for some time, with many "conversations" going back and forth between the bedroom (where we were nestled snuggly in bed) and the dining room, where Rebecca was trying to force a pill down her own throat. For the record, I had a lot of trouble learning how to swallow pills, too. I resisted and resisted, and one day I HAD to, and it just worked out, I think. The important thing to remember here is that this post is NOT about me. That would be so narcissistic. No. We are talking about Rebecca, so I don't need any comments about MY childhood, OK? Thanks.
My wife and I offered lots of advice, like "Take a drink first, then throw the pill in as far as you can, and take a big drink until it just goes down!" This didn't work, as somehow she managed to drink the water and leave the pill. Of course, dogs can eat the cheese off a pill and spit the pill out a few minutes later, so what do I know? Then I offered the very sage advice to take the little sip first, throw the pill in, and then chug water for the duration of a chorus of "The Hairbrush" song by Veggie Tales. My daughter wasn't too fond of this idea, though, since if it actually worked, every time she would have to take a pill she'd be thinking of this song. What's so bad about that? It's a funny song!
Things even progressed so far as to have prayers said over the whole pill swallowing efforts. While not particularly funny, it does demonstrate the degree to which she WANTED to take the pill, but obviously needed divine help to get it down.
Well, it worked, because eventually she swallowed the first of two pills.
There was much rejoicing, and Rebecca exclaimed in her joy, "Maybe God gave me this pain so I could learn how to swallow a pill!" Soon, I wanted the rejoicing to stop because I really wanted to go back to sleep. It is SO hard to sleep when you are in the middle of rejoicing. Seriously. YOU try it some time.
I figured that our work was done and now the second pill would be a snap.
I was wrong.
The second pill was as hard as the first. Nothing worked. I even actually put the "Hairbrush Song" on the stereo. No good. Rebecca started complaining about how much water she was drinking and how much was getting all over. "Why is the water getting all over?", I asked from my warm bed. "I don't know why", replied a puzzled Rebecca, "it's just not really going in!"
This I had to see.
It turns out, that in order to "protect" her from the Ibuprofen, her body must have shut down her swallowing ability, because when I made my way into the dining room, I saw a sight I didn't really expect to see. There was Rebecca, sitting by the table, trying to drink a tall glass of water. However, the water, as far as I could tell, was making it about to her teeth - and then suddenly changing directions and EXPELLING itself from her mouth.
She was the Rebecca fountain!
In fact, there was so much water squirting out of her mouth, that I seriously wanted push a couple of buckets underneath her, install pumps and hoses to pump the water back into her glass, place some cool colorful lighting around her and feature her in our front yard! It was almost a thing of beauty.
She gamely continued to try to get the water in her mouth so she could swallow the pill, but the only measurable result of this effort was the increasing size of the puddle around her chair. She never did get the second pill down, and we never got anymore sleep that morning. But still, Rebecca did swallow her first pill, and we will be beaming with pride for a few more days, I'm sure.
The saddest part of this entire story is that this morning, I opened the medicine cabinet to get out my deodorant, and noticed that the liquid Motrin was sitting front and center on the bottom shelf. I can't wait to tell Rebecca when she gets home, tonight!
Life is good!