I know for certain that many of you will either be attending parties or throwing parties this weekend. So, I've decided to give some advice - not at all dissimilar to Ms. Manners - that is guaranteed to make your weekend more spectacular.
This is advice that flies in the face of conventional wisdom, so you may encounter just a teeny bit of resistance, but I wouldn't worry about that too much. Look at what Christopher Columbus faced and now there is a Starbucks on every corner! And yes, those two things are too related.
In any case, here is my life-changing, attitude improving advice for you this weekend:
That's right. No doubt, many of you will be heading (or holding) an event that involves various flavors of chip and dip. Conventional wisdom tells us that double-dipping - the act of returning a chip for another round of dip once it has had a bite taken out of it - is so bad that it is the social equivalent of dating your cousin.
Think about this: how many times at a party have you become confused over which cup was yours? A lot, right? Has grabbing the wrong cup killed you, yet? Probably not, since you are reading this blog. Of course, if you are currently reading this from a hospital bed being treated for shared drink syndrome, best of luck to you. In any case, what does a shared drink have that double-dipped chip dip doesn't have?
Ewwwww. (This is the second time this week I've used the word "Ewwwwww" on this blog. Literary genius, I tell you!)
Here's something else for you to consider: The five-second rule. I'm fighting conventional wisdom with conventional wisdom, here. How many times have you dropped that perfect potato chip with just the perfect amount of dip onto the floor. You didn't want the perfect chip and dip combo to go to waste, so you grabbed the chip, stuffed it into your mouth, and declared (loud enough so everyone could hear), "5-SECOND RULE!" Chances are no one in the room was the slightest bit grossed out by this.
Imagine, if you will, that the floor is a teaming cesspool of disease and germs. Would you eat off the bottom of your shoe? It's cleaner than the floor, most likely, yet you'll invoke the 5-second rule and feel good about it and probably not end up in the hospital. Again, I'm sorry if you do happen to be in the hospital as a direct result of double-dipping. But, do you think that the dip is cleaner or dirtier than the floor? It's got to be WAY better! If people can accept the 5-second rule for the cesspool floor, then we can also apply it to the dip.
Doesn't make sense? Applying the 5-second rule in reverse is helpful in this analysis. Doing so would say that as long as your chip is not re-dipped for longer than 5-seconds, dippers who are following you should be safe, right?
We all know that if you have an exceptionally large chip, you can't get proper dip coverage with one dip, anyway. What's the point of the chip? Dip carrier, largely. The second half of the chip will be so disappointing without the dip coverage, right? There are so many other disappointments in life, why let an un-dipped chip fragment be one of them?
Improve your life and double-dip! Be the Christopher Columbus of snack foods! No one is looking anyway!
Double-dipping. Life is good.
Editor's note: practice double-dipping at your own risk. Strangely enough, not everyone believes all conventional wisdom. For an alternate view on the 5-second rule, click here. Also, like Christopher Columbus when he began insisting the world was round and a path to the Indies could be found by sailing west, there is a good chance you will no longer be invited to the really good parties if you double-dip. Of course, you may also end up impressing a rich queen and your life will never be the same again! Think positively!