One Dad's Life

Unsupervised Dad

This is one of those weeks when everyone is out of the house, leaving me completely unsupervised! Bwa ha ha ha!

While the reality of the situation is that my week's schedule leaves me with little flexibility, I still dream of the crazy things I could do, while unsupervised.  Now, with any luck, this list will be completely different than previous "unsupervised" lists were...because I've already DONE all of those things, of course!   Without further delay, here are some ways I could spend my time this week:

1. Convert the girls' room into a temporary skateboard park.
2. 'Round the clock music listening at the proper sound level! (OK, this one I'm actually doing)
3. Watch "Steel Magnolias" without someone else hogging the Kleenex box.
4. Build a better mousetrap.
5. Finally take those Christmas lights down!
6. Figure out what all these unattached power supplies belong to and why they haven't been missed up to now!
7. Continue work on my fully functional light-saber. I'm sure I'm close!
8. Due to advice from legal council, I can't tell you exactly what I'm going to be doing, but let me just say it involves a potato cannon, and marshmallows in bulk.
9. Learn how to do back handsprings...or maybe just a front roll.
10. READ A BOOK!  I currently have one from the library I've renewed many times, and probably owe the max fee on, as well.  I really thought I'd have time to read it!

BTW, I'm just kidding about the Christmas lights. I'm not one of those people.

Dream Job

I've reached a point in my life (I'm 43 years old) where I think it's probably time to think about what I want to be when I grow up...you know, if that ever happens.

Since I've had trouble thinking of any reasonable career other than Nintendo Game Tester, I thought it might be a good idea to list some of the characteristics my dream job should have.  By all means, if you can think of a perfect match, let me know!

1. It should involve driving around one of those little golf carts with the canopy tops.  I need to have the top as I'm sensitive to the sun, you know.  I'm permanently pale!  Anyone I've ever seen driving one of those things around looks like they are having a blast.
2. Free Diet Dr. Pepper!
3. Casual dress code. By casual, I'm talking jeans and t-shirt. Shoes optional.
4. Travel that fits my schedule. I love traveling...hate trying to adapt my schedule into it. If I ever won Powerball, I'd see the inside of a 747 more than my house for a couple of months.
5. Something creative.  Working with finger-paints counts.
6. I should be able to work out on my back porch in the mornings, when weather in St. Louis is AWESOME.
7. Afternoon naps.
8. Plenty of opportunity for Mario Kart.  If Nintendo is listening, I'd be perfect as a tester for your next generation Wii and Mario Kart! I've dropped plenty of hints already. Don't you have anyone searching the blogosphere for your true fans?  I mean come on, if you Google "Nintendo Dad's Life" my blog comes up at NUMBER ONE on the search! What more do you need?
9. I want to be able to bring my dog to work.
10. 4-hour workdays. Seriously, my family's schedule really doesn't permit much time for a job.  Currently, I'm adjusting by not sleeping. I'd like that to change.
11. Candy Corn. In a dish. Glass, preferably.
12. My company car would be a 2010 Camaro SS.

Now, if I could just figure out what career this relates to.   I'll keep you updated as I add to and modify this list.  Let me know if you find something appropriate for me, ok?

Top Ten Things I'll Do When I'm Kicked To The Curb!

Yesterday, I did something for the first time in my life.  You probably won't believe it, if you read this blog on a regular basis, but I've never in my life pulled an April Fool's trick.  I guess I figure that since I mess with people so much of the year, I'd give them April Fool's day off.  I'm a contrarian!

Well, yesterday, I constructed a tale where the end result was that we might get kicked out of our house.  I was careful to weave in reality in such a way that 90% of the post was entirely true.  This made the other 10% believable.

Well, my wife totally bought it.  I was a bit surprised by this, yet delighted! The best part is that when I called her in the afternoon and she demanded to know how long I've known about this situation, I was trying to choke back laughing (and actually laughed out loud at several points), which she mistook for me being UPSET somehow.  I squeaked out that I would talk about it later, then sat at my desk for a while, giggling in glee.

So, now that I've pulled this stunt over on her, I need to do a little risk mitigation and make a plan for what I'll do if she kicks me to the curb over this.  Here, in the popular top ten list format, are the "Top Ten Things I'll Do When I'm Kicked To The Curb!"

1. I will compete with the homeless guys in the neighborhood in raiding the recylcing bins for cans on trash day!  A person has to have an income.
2. I will build a raft out of driftwood and debris and float the Mississippi just like Huckleberry Finn!
3. While sitting in my makeshift lean-to at night, I will work on the grand-unification theory - over candlelight - that has eluded scientists for generations.
4. I will take a correspondence course on how to make my own wicker furniture!
5. I'll travel the continent via boxcar!
6. I'll finally have time to get past the point I'm stuck on "The Legend of Zelda - The Phantom Hourglass" on my DS. I figure I can recharge it at park pavilions. They usually have power.
7. Peddle a line of "Hobo Fashion" down at Soulard Market.  I'm thinking it could take off just like the street gang fashion look that is so popular now! This could make me rich!
8. I'll make necklaces out of twisted clover and leave on my ex-porch for my kids.
9. I'll hunt for actual Indian artifacts.
10. I'll form a band, down by the river, with the other husbands who successfully pulled an April Fool's prank on their wife!

Now, I'm not saying that my wife is showing any signs of being upset over this, but you know how things can just fester!  However,  if "One Dad's Life" should suddenly go offline, you'll know what happened.

Top Ten Ways I'm Spending My "Free" Time While The Family Is Out of Town

My kids are currently on Spring Break, and Dianne took them to Kansas City to visit her family for the first part of the week.  While they are gone, I have a lot more "free" time, right?  Well, you know, there is still work and all the other "normal" activities, but still....

In no particular order, here are the Top Ten Ways I'm spending all of that "free" time.

1. Ran a fever!  Yes, isn't that special? Normally, I wouldn't have had the time.
2. Steam cleaned all the basement rooms.  Rented a "Rug Doctor" for this task, which is nice, but you fill out just as much paperwork as if you were renting a car. I didn't have to show proof of insurance, though.
3. Whittled away at some of the financial record keeping stuff. Technically, I had "time" to do this because of #1.  Got to get ready for them taxes!
4. Signed an executive order and enacted a house-wide ban on the show "Ghosthunters"...until Dianne returns.  (Ha! Take that, Dianne!)
5. Worked on eating my way through the food left in the fridge and pantry.
6. Dog wrestling.
7. Alphabetized my shoes. I have two pair - "casual" shoes for work, and tennis shoes. Oh, and my moccasin slippers.  Three pairs.
8. Found the tape measure! In case you are wondering, it was lost. I found it on the window sill in my daughters' room.
9. Mario Kart Wii!!! Did you know it's possible to get stuck IN A TREE on "The Maple Treeway" course? Well, I didn't...until I executed the worlds greatest jump and LANDED ON A BRANCH and couldn't get out! Naturally, I was playing online against my friend Tim, and it caused me to seriously lose that race.
10. Missing my wife and kids.

Top Ten Ways to Avoid Getting the Flu From Your Daughter

For the past four days, my oldest daughter Rebecca has been fighting the flu. I think it goes without saying that for the most part, we do not want to get the flu.  I say "for the most part", because I'd be lying if I didn't admit that at least once I was tempted to roll in a pile of use Kleenex as a way to get out of going to work!

So,making the assumption you don't actually want to do this, then here are some suggestions on how to avoid getting the flu from your daughter:

1. Sequester her in her room. Deliver food and drink by carefully pushing them to her from a great distance with a high quality stick.
2. Every twenty minutes, Lysol bomb the house.
3. Accept those "extra" assignments at work. As far as the family is concerned, they MUST be done "at" work.  It's everyone for themselves in these situations.
4. Rent an unused spacesuit from NASA.  Put daughter in suit.
5. If your daughter puts up too much of a fight for #4, rent enough suits for the REST of your family.  A procedural tip: make sure you understand how the astronauts handle "using the facilities" while in the suit.  This may make you want to look for another idea.
6. Rent the "Giant Inflatable Castle."  Install in your yard, move rest of family inside until the flu passes.  Remember, much like "the bubble boy", these have a positive air pressure that SHOULD keep the germs OUT.
7. Your daughter has a cell phone, right?  For the duration of the flu, all conversation will be conducted via texting or, gasp, an actual phone call.
8. Encase her assigned portion of the house in the full hazmat setup - like in E.T.
9. Live in your shower like Kramer did on Seinfeld. Dominoes delivers.
10. Tell the authorities you suspect your daughter has "Yellow Fever." They'll take care of the rest.

10 Unique Time Saving Ideas Busy Dads Can Use

My schedule is ridiculous.  There is really not time to just breathe, much less get anything done I need to get done. Doing things I merely want to do is nearly out of the question.  So this morning, I did a little brainstorming session to find ways I could gave a few extra moments here and there.  I'll have to tell you, some of these I'm already doing...but I'm not going to tell you which ones!

1. Install an "instant on" hot water system, constantly trickle hot water in the tub, and SLEEP there.  I'll wake up refreshed AND clean!
2. Issue sheets of paper to the kids full of the usual morning admonitions, saving me the time of constantly saying them: Stop playing with your toys, get dressed, don't get anything out, practice violin, feed the animals, zip up your backpack, paint your room, get in the car, etc.
3. Stop shaving. Grow a "mountain man" beard. I'll give you a minute to think about what that would look like on me.
4. Combine breakfast and personal hygiene activities by spreading toothpaste on my bagel.
5. Drive to work at twice the posted speed, swerve in and out of lanes, take dangerous risks.  My half hour drive of elevated heart rate will count as my aerobic exercise for the day!
6. Install my desk in the bathroom stall at work. This will have two benefits: should cut down on meetings and save on trips to the bathroom, which is on the opposite end of the building...and which are frequently necessary due to my soda addiction!
7. Install soda machine in the bathroom stall (see #5)
8. For the trip home, push-start my car UPHILL.  This will take care of the strength training portion of daily exercise!
9. Have my wife do my hobbies for me!
10. Invent a "thought to text" converter.  Install on my computer.  Install on my head. Write the blog while I sleep!

10 Blog Posts I Will Never Write

Even with the continuous fight against writer's block, I will never (unless really, really, really desperate) write on the following topics...not counting this post, of course:

1. 10 Ways to Know You Are Going Bald.
2. 10 Words That Rhyme with "Orange."
3. The Secret Joys of Yodeling.
4. How to turn a Mullet wig, a Book of Matches, and a jar of dill pickles into life-long income.
5. Knitting with the Dog Hair You Find in Your Carpeting. 
6. The Ketchup diet.
7. Famous People that have Snack Cakes Named After Them.
8. Turning Your Basement Flood Into a Spa
9. 10 Easy Tricks you can Train the Squirrels in Your Yard to do!
10. Parenting Secrets of the Wicked Witch of the West

10 Ways to Act Like a Child

I think that one of the reasons we, as parents, get so frustrated with our kids at times is because we can't act like them and get away with it.  I suggest that perhaps one weekend, you "trade" places with the kids.  I think Dianne and I should do this with ours, so I'm working on my plan on how to behave.  Here's what I've got so far! Let me know what you think.

1. Empty the contents of my drawers and closets and put all the stuff in the living room and dining room, then decide I don't want to use any of that stuff, and turn the TV on. Watch mindless show on The Disney Channel.
2. Fill the tub with water, take a two hour bath, call for the kids NON-STOP, then leave the water and all my clothes in the bathroom.
3. Complain about what's for dinner, shred my food into tiny little pieces, claim I ate a LOT and I'm stuffed and ask if I can be done.  Five minutes later ask for desert.
4. Tear an 11"x17" piece of paper into tiny little pieces.  Abandon project.
5. Throw a fit the first time I hear the words "can you help me?"
6. Talk really LOUD all of the time!
7. Set something on fire.
8. Look for the perfect shirt to wear. Throw all the rejects into the laundry basket even though they've never been worn for more than 10 seconds. The next day, demand to know why one of the shirts I just threw in the wash isn't "clean", yet.
9. Make a "shake" out of ice cream, cinnamon, sugar, salt, broccoli, milk and ketchup. Cry when the kids won't drink it.
10. At the end of the day, when the kids are exhausted from us behaving like them, don't let them go to bed until they "fix" all the messes we caused during the day.

Now, it's just a matter of finding a weekend that isn't so overly jam packed with things to do, that we can actually afford to swap with the kids!

Ten Tips For Better Living

Here are a couple of random tips to help you out today:

1. If you are boiling corn-on-the-cob, don't add salt to the water. It makes the corn tougher.  Add sugar instead, bring the corn up to boiling from room-temp, let boil for 1 minute, then turn off. Let the corn sit for 10 minutes. It will be AWESOME.
2. Running with scissors is bad, of course, but it's also dangerous to run with any other pointy object.  In fact, if you are carrying anything that is NOT a ball, you shouldn't be running.
3. Mow your lawn as high as possible for your grass type. Keeps the weeds down and the lawn green.
4. Your kids don't always know what you really want them to do, which is why it is so fun to make them guess!
5. Music is better in the dark.
6. Parks, Zoos, Botanical Gardens, etc. are just as great in the winter...plus fewer crowds!
7. If you pass on this blog address to everyone you know, Bill Gates will send you $245 per referral.  That's right, I've hijacked his "forward this email" campaign!
8. Wine doesn't automatically get better with age after a certain (short) point.  Really great wine just lasts longer.  Champagne is best when at the point when it's sold. Twenty percent of the wine in the grocery store shouldn't be drunk by anyone, the rest is at it's peak RIGHT NOW.
9. Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9....oops. Beatles flashback. Go listen to the "White" album today. You'll be glad you did. Rocky Raccoon is waiting.
10. It's not really that the stars in the heaven are uncountable, it's just that it's so easy to lose your place! Practice by counting the blades of grass in your lawn. Once you master that, try counting the grains of sand on a single sand-finished wall in your home.  Only after successfully completing this task should you try the stars, again.  Don't count shooting stars, they aren't really stars at all, and they'll distract you...thus throwing your count off.

Top Ten Good Things about it being ZERO Degrees in St. Louis.

Last August, I wrote this post about the top ten ways to make us of the heat wave.  It seems only fair that I write a similar list for the current ridiculous cold spell.  Here we go:

"The Top Ten Good Things about it being ZERO Degrees (F) in St. Louis."  Oh, and the list can mostly be used in other cold areas, too.  Except for number ten. DON'T READ AHEAD! (Gotcha, didn't I?)

1. Bundle up in your warmest clothes, go outside, remove one glove, wave to self, put glove back on. Go back inside. That's what frostbite feels like. Wonder no more!
2. You no longer have to deal with expensive and awkward tanks of liquid Nitrogen to do that trick where you super-freeze a banana and then shatter it on the floor!
3. Extra freezer space!
4. Greatly simplifies thermometer (or as Kim calls it "Ambient Temperature Indicator") reading.
5. Number of drivers on the road greatly reduced due to high numbers of "bet you can't lick that metal pole" dares...and the resulting acceptance of said dares.
6. Finally can take that nap on the grill without getting scorched!
7. Since sound travels slower in cold air, it makes it much easier to imitate those poorly dubbed Japanese movies!
8. For a quick warm-up, you can now just crawl into the 'frig!
9. Since the air is now frozen, you can do that trick where you skid to a stop several feet off the end of the cliff...just like Wile E. Coyete.  Remember, he eventually falls, so pack a parachute if you try this.
10. You are in St. Louis, any minute now it could be 50 degrees!

There you have it, the first 10 good things that came to my mind.  Now it is your chance.  Add some in the comments, or put a link to your list in the comments.  Go crazy!

Have a great weekend!