One Dad's Life

13-year Old Quote of the Day

This past Sunday, on Father's Day, I was picking up some of my employees that are visiting the United States from India.  They were going to celebrate Father's Day at my house. My youngest daughter, who we'll call "Rachel" since that's her name, was with me.  My wife and older daughter, Rebecca, were building a set for this week's VBS program and were not in the car.

Rachel LOVES it when people come to the United States from Asia.  Loves it.  So she is in rare form, showing off, singing, and generally making a loud nuisance of herself.  The Asians love it.  They love it because on first glance it is adorable.  Too much, though - like the dose you get if you live with her - and it becomes increasingly less adorable. 

Since pleading with her to "turn the volume down" and other similar supplications failed to control the mayhem, I turned to texting to blow off some steam.  Yeah, I said texting.  DO YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT!?

So I sent a message to my older daughter, Rebecca, as I knew she would see it in about 12 nanoseconds.

Gregg: (texting) I'd like to trade Rachel in for another kitten.

See, we already have two geriatric cats and a dog that wants to eat them, and that is about all our house can contain.  You see, they don't get along and are frequently very annoying.  My oldest cat doesn't remember that she's been fed and CONSTANTLY wants food - even if she is currently eating. She indicates this want by following you around and HOWLING AT THE TOP OF HER LITTLE CAT LUNGS.  The youngest attacks the oldest for sport.  Fortunately for us, the cats are aging and arthritis is starting to slow them down, a bit.  Yep, with my cats, I'm spinning arthritis as a positive. The point is, me indicating I'd want to add an additional cat to the circus that is our house is an indication that the annoyance meter is registering pretty high!

Being sisters, and knowing how sisters love each other through thick and thin, famine and feast, and Beavis and Butthead, I knew that Rebecca would text something appropriately endearing and supportive back to me.  Something like, "she'll only be seven once, enjoy her while she's like that and not a sullen teen like me!"  Well, I did get a message from Rebecca rather promptly.  The message was simple, yet thoroughly conveyed the emotion that I knew my oldest daughter was feeling at that moment towards her precious, cute little sister:

Rebecca:(texting back)  Awwww, kittens!

Early Teen Quote of the Day

Does this ever happen around your house?

This morning my 13-year old daughter, Rebecca, was looking for her shoes.

Rebecca:  Dad, Have you seen my shoes anywhere?! I can't find them!

Gregg: (resisting the urge to ask her to narrow down "shoes" as there are perhaps HUNDREDS of shoes in the house.  Well, maybe not hundreds, but more than you could line up in the living room.)  No. I haven't.

Rebecca: Ugggghhhhhhh.  (I think that's what she said, at least.  It was a noise.)

(a short dramatic time passes)

Rebecca: Oh, here they are!  I found them!

Gregg: (with false enthusiasm) Great!

Rebecca: Do you want to know where I found them?  They were where my shoes belong!  I confused myself by putting them away!  FABULOUS.

Gregg: (again, resisting the urge to say what was on my mind...said nothing at all, instead.)

(a short uneventful time passes)

Gregg: (typing) "E. a. r. l. y.  T. e. e. n. Q. u. ..."

Learning to Read

My youngest daughter, Rachel, is finishing up first grade.  She does fantastic at sounding words out and does a good job of writing - even if the spelling is all wonky, but she really hasn't wanted to put a lot of effort into reading until lately.

Part of this, I believe, is due to my insistence that if she was going to be playing the Wii games, she has to read what is on the screen rather than bugging the daylights out of us.  So now, for whatever reason, she has finally begun to read most things she comes across.

Periodically, this has unintended comical results.

The best recent example of just a situation was Monday evening.  Myself, my oldest daughter Rebecca, and Rachel were out shopping for Dianne's birthday (it's not too late to wish her a happy birthday here!) and Rachel, who is quite good with numbers and days of the week, had the following brief conversation with us:

Rachel:  What date is Mom's birthday?

Gregg: April 28th.

Rachel:  So tomorrow is her birthday.

Gregg: Yep. That's right!

Rachel: (delivering the zinger quite excitedly) AND THE VERY NEXT DAY, OUR MILK EXPIRES!

Naturally, Rebecca and I did our very best job trying to hold in the laughter that was trying to force its way out...without snorting like pigs...with moderate success.

Gregg: Who told you that?

Rachel: I read the side of the milk carton when I was pouring my cereal the other day and just remembered.

It's funny the things they start picking up with this reading thing, though I am a bit baffled as to how we could have milk actually expiring with the number of gallons we go through in a week!  She even reminded everyone on Wednesday about the expired milk...which was gone.

I'd say she is scoring pretty high in reading comprehension, though!

Mommy Bucks

My wife, the mother of my darling children, has essentially instituted a system of bribery in an effort to get the kids to behave in the way that she'd like.  I know, I know.  I can hear your sharp intakes of breath and the collective clucking of tongues as I write this.  However, I'm pretty sure all of you who are intaking your breath and doing the clucking of your tongues had your kids YEARS ago.  Kids today are far more trickier.  In the olden days, a simple threat of "Just WAIT 'til your dad gets home" was enough to straighten out most behavior, no matter how aggravating.  That doesn't work these days.  Between the much longer work hours (to take advantage of our overseas employees' time and running "lean") which frequently causes us dads to get home after the kids' bedtimes - or close to it, and the fact that our kids are networked to every OTHER kid in the WORLD via AIM, Facebook, and Texting...well, they have us trumped.  They are like "The Borg." They can now analyze and detect a threat when they hear one and immediately adapt the appropriate counter-measure.  Who's in YOUR network?

Also, my friend Melanie happens to be a psychologist and even she laments not being able to outsmart the kids.  I don't know all the details about psychology, and I'm pretty sure that when they go to psychology school they have to sign paper-work where they agree to not give away the secrets of the field.  Also, I believe that anytime someone starts getting close to discovering their secrets, one of the Psychologists writes a self-help book where they propose yet another way that you are not responsible for your problems...the masses are easily distracted by self-help books where things are not your fault...and the true secrets are safe for another 6 months!

However, and understand that this is just conjecture due to the secrecy surrounding psychology, I believe that it is possible for all psychologist to read your mind AND reprogram you through invisible rays they are able to emit from their eyes.  It's ALWAYS the eyes.  Never look a psychologist in the eyes unless you are CERTAIN they are on your side!

The point is, if a psychologist with brain reprogaming invisible eye rays admits that SHE can't outsmart her kids, WHY CAN WE NOT TRY BRIBERY!??!

I think I've made my point.

So, what my wife has come up with is a system of bribery she likes to call "Mommy Bucks."  She likes to call it this, because that is the name...plus she actually made up some "Mommy Bucks" that look like this:

That is one stylin' mommy on that bill!  The idea is that Dianne could award mommy bucks for unasked for good behavior.   The unasked part is key.  The bucks are awarded for things like cleaning something up without asking that doesn't belong to them, being exceptionally helpful to their sibling without being asked, taking care of a household need without asking, etc.   You get the idea.  At some point, an arbitrary number of mommy bucks (which have no cash value) can be exchanged for something.  For the youngest, this something is usually some trinket or toy that is slated for "giveaway/throwaway" in the attic.  Genius.  No expense, even!  This is taking "no cash value" to the next level!  For the oldest, well,  she's 13.  There is almost no chance of her ever getting a mommy buck.   We'll cross that bridge when we get there, I guess.  If it should happen, I'm guessing a trinket from the attic won't really cut it.

So, in one respect, the "Mommy Bucks" have worked out pretty good.  Rachel, the youngest, even tries to think of ways which might result in her gaining the coveted "Mommy Bucks."   Take this example from this morning:

Rachel:  Mom. I have a great idea for getting "Mommy Bucks!"

Dianne (Mom): Really. What is it this time?

Rachel: Everytime that you are practising the piano, and I don't BOTHER you, I could get a "Mommy Buck!"

Dianne:  But, yesterday when I was practising you were CONSTANTLY trying to interrupt me to tell me something.

Rachel:  I wanted to tell you about this "Mommy Buck" idea!

Gregg (Dad): (to Dianne) Ask her if she knows what irony is.

Dianne: (laughs, then, to Rachel) Do you know what irony is?

Rachel:  (ignoring Dianne's comment - of course) I said BOTHER you.  Telling you something important or something that is an emergency is still OK.

So, I guess that is a half-win, half-lose scenario.  Rachel's got the right idea, but we need to work on what constitutes "an important/emergency."

Seven Year Old Quote of the Day - part 2

This week, the school my kids go to is having a series of "Spirit Week" type of events.  Here's a brief conversation I had about this with my youngest daughter this morning:

Rachel (R): Dad.  I know why they call it "Muffins for Moms" day.

Me (M): Why? 

R: Because "muffins" start with "M" and "moms" starts with "M"

M: really!

R: Yeah, and "donuts" start with "D" and "dads" starts with a "D", too!

M: That's right!

R: One of my friends thought that they should have "Krispy Kremes for Kids", but I told her that wouldn't work because "Krispy Kremes" both start with "C" and "kids" starts with a "K"

M: Actually, "Krispy Kremes" is spelled with a "K"

R: Really?

M: Yes. Sometimes businesses change the spelling of their names like that.

R: Why? Just so it will look cool?

M: I guess so!

R: Well, they shouldn't do that, it just encourages kids to learn to spell wrong.

"Four and a Half" Year Old Quote of the Day

Isn't it amazing how children can so easily take an ordinary object, such as a box...or an area rug, and turn it into a toy they'll play with for hours?

Combine that with the ease at which you can make up seemingly correct words in the English language and you've got yourself a barrel of laughs waiting to happen!

The following applicable story was related to me by my sister and brother-in-law regarding my precious, sweet innocent niece, Emily.

They had dropped Emily off at child-care or Sunday School at church, and of course Emily immediately began playing.  She decided that a section of an area rug in the room was a ow a swimming pool, or other body of water.  She "changed" into her swimsuit, and jumped into the virtual pool.

The pool just isn't the same without pool toys, so she was using some K'nex shapes as toys for the "water."  

On this particular day, she had selected some hook-shaped pieces to play with when her friend, Hedgewick (not his real name) came into the room to play.  This was exciting!

Naturally, one would not just jump into a body of water the size of an area rug without the proper clothing...or toys, so Emily yelled out to her friend loud enough to be heard down the halls at church:

"Hedgewick! Put on your swimming suit and get your hooker!"

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Photo info: Emily is on the left, my daughter Rebecca is on the right. Click to enlarge!

What Colors Make You Do

Last night, as we drove by the McDonald's near our home, my youngest daughter spoke up:

"Dad, did you know that yellow makes you hungry?"

"It does?"  This was interesting!

"Yes.  I just saw yellow, and now I'm hungry.  Yellow MAKES you hungry."  I was certain it was actually the McDonald's signs that made her hungry, but I thought I'd get her at her own game.  I had a follow-up question.

"Really? What does blue do?"

Without hesitation, she answered "It makes you have to go to the bathroom!"

"Who told you all of this?" I asked.

"I just figured it out myself," she replied in her matter-of-fact, seven year-old certainty.

Impressive.

"Actually, one of the choir kids told me about yellow, but it's true."   Well, OK, at least she figured out blue all by herself.

"What does black do?" I asked,  figuring I'd go through the list of basic colors.

"I don't know", she answered back.

"How about brown?"

"Nope. Don't know."

"What other colors DO you know?"

"Um, just yellow and blue, I guess."

"Oh."  I was disappointed.  I figured there was an interesting and informative post in here somewhere.

"WAIT!"  She said from the back seat. "I know what red is!!!"

"What?" I asked.

"It's love.  That's it. Red is love."

And so it is.

Seven Year Old Quote of the Day

Friday night, my wife and oldest daughter were out at one of her dance group shows, and I was taking my youngest, Rachel, to her K-2 Christmas Musical.

I was tired after a long, long, long week, so I did what I usually do in these situations.  I asked Rachel to help me out.

Gregg (G): Rachel, I am pooped.  Will you carry me?

Rachel (R):  (laughing) No dad, you are too old and I am too young.

G: Are you saying that you are weak?

R: No, You're just too big. Besides, girls don't want to be strong, just boys.

G: Why is that? Your Mom is very strong.

R: Well, young girls want to be beautiful and slender with smooth arms We don't want to be big with muscles bumping out.

G: Really?  I like muscles on girls!  Like on  your mom! It looks good.

R: Well, besides it wouldn't look right to be in a musical and to be standing up there to sing a nice solo with all your muscles sticking out!

(Apparently she hasn't taken a close look at the dancers!)

G: Really! (I was now officially at a loss for words).

Messing with the Kids - The "Haunted Door"

One of the greatest joys of parenthood is messing with your kids.  In fact, it is such a joy that I am just putting it out there for my daughters to read (who do read this blog - suckers!).  Even them knowing I'm doing it, won't lesson the joy I receive from doing it.

We have an older home. Sometimes in older homes, the doors squeak.  I actually kind of like this.  However, last Wednesday night I decided to use this door squeak to mess with my youngest daughter, Rachel, who just turned seven.

Let's turn on the "way back" machine and go back to last Wednesday night and listen in!

(Gregg slowly opens and closes the basement door - causing squeaks)

Gregg: (excitedly) Hey, I think the basement door is haunted!

(squeak)

Rachel: (looking just slightly concerned) What? What do you mean?

Gregg: Listen to the door (squeak) it sounds like a door in a haunted house. It must be haunted.

Rachel: (looking relieved) Why do you say that? It's just squeaking.

(squeak)

Gregg: (laughs in a hopefully scary way) Well, every time it squeaks, it makes me want to do this: (Gregg makes his best scary demonic laughter sound effect - Gregg was pleased with his effort and was waiting for the hopefully newly frightened response)

(squeak)

Rachel: (Seriously, and slightly puzzled) It makes you want to laugh like Santa Claus?

Gregg: (shocked. This was DEMONIC laughter, not Ho Ho Hoes!) What are you talking about, child? It's terrible scary laughter. You'll never sleep again. Listen closely. (Gregg tries again, harder, at the demonic laughter sound effect...along with the squeaking door)

(squeak)

Rachel: Definitely Santa Claus.

Gregg: (pondering the laugh) Ok, I guess maybe it does.

(SQUEAK!)

Gregg: Still, listen to the door! It wouldn't make that noise if it wasn't haunted!

(squeak)

Rachel: Dad, old doors squeak sometimes (SQUEAK!!!!), it doesn't mean the door is haunted. It means it needs oil.

(Gregg gives up squeaking the door)

Gregg: Oil?

Rachel: Yep.

So, where did she learn about oil?

You never could trick this kid.  I'm going to have to go look for her more gullible sister.

6-year old Quote of the Day

Toilet paper is very important to my youngest daughter, Rachel.  Besides it's normal and more expected use, she uses it to make "casts" for her "broken" arms, leg, foot, head, etc.   She uses it to make blankets for dolls, and in addition she uses it for general decorating.

Since she is always thinking about how things work and how things are made.  I should not have been surprised when she came to me this morning with the following description of where toilet paper comes from.

Rachel: Is it possible to make toilet paper?

Gregg:  Yes. Of course (I say in a groggy 6:30AM voice)  Where do you think it comes from?  It doesn't grow on trees!  (Classic.  Good one Dad)

R: Well, a machine could have made it.

G: That's true.

R: I know how a machine makes toilet paper.

G: How?

R: Well, first it takes two pieces of toilet paper and then it smashes them together and glues them together.  Then another machine comes and pokes the dots in it and then you have toilet paper!

G: Really.

R: Yeah.  I told this to Mom and she said, "You're right!"

G: Hmmm.  Interesting. How do you get the first piece of toilet paper that the machine uses?

R: I don't really know.

Author's Note: When I asked her to repeat this story so I would get it right, she ripped off a section of toilet paper and illustrated all of the steps she had originally told me.  She's always thinking!