One Dad's Life

Double-Dip

I know for certain that many of you will either be attending parties or throwing parties this weekend.  So, I've decided to give some advice - not at all dissimilar to Ms. Manners - that is guaranteed to make your weekend more spectacular.

This is advice that flies in the face of conventional wisdom, so you may encounter just a teeny bit of resistance, but I wouldn't worry about that too much.  Look at what Christopher Columbus faced and now there is a Starbucks on every corner!  And yes, those two things are too related.

In any case, here is my life-changing, attitude improving advice for you this weekend:

Double-dip.

That's right.  No doubt, many of you will be heading (or holding) an event that involves various flavors of chip and dip.  Conventional wisdom tells us that double-dipping - the act of returning a chip for another round of dip once it has had a bite taken out of it - is so bad that it is the social equivalent of dating your cousin.

Hogwash.

Think about this: how many times at a party have you become confused over which cup was yours? A lot, right? Has grabbing the wrong cup killed you, yet?  Probably not, since you are reading this blog.  Of course, if you are currently reading this from a hospital bed being treated for shared drink syndrome, best of luck to you.  In any case, what does a shared drink have that double-dipped chip dip doesn't have?

Backwash. 

Ewwwww. (This is the second time this week I've used the word "Ewwwwww" on this blog. Literary genius, I tell you!)

Here's something else for you to consider: The five-second rule.   I'm fighting conventional wisdom with conventional wisdom, here.  How many times have you dropped that perfect potato chip with just the perfect amount of dip onto the floor.  You didn't want the perfect chip and dip combo to go to waste, so you grabbed the chip, stuffed it into your mouth, and declared (loud enough so everyone could hear), "5-SECOND RULE!"  Chances are no one in the room was the slightest bit grossed out by this.

Imagine, if you will, that the floor is a teaming cesspool of disease and germs.  Would you eat off the bottom of your shoe?  It's cleaner than the floor, most likely, yet you'll invoke the 5-second rule and feel good about it and probably not end up in the hospital.  Again, I'm sorry if you do happen to be in the hospital as a direct result of double-dipping.  But, do you think that the dip is cleaner or dirtier than the floor?  It's got to be WAY better!  If people can accept the 5-second rule for the cesspool floor, then we can also apply it to the dip.

Doesn't make sense? Applying the 5-second rule in reverse is helpful in this analysis.  Doing so would say that as long as your chip is not re-dipped for longer than 5-seconds, dippers who are following you should be safe, right? 

"5-SECOND RULE!"

We all know that if you have an exceptionally large chip, you can't get proper dip coverage with one dip, anyway.  What's the point of the chip? Dip carrier, largely.  The second half of the chip will be so disappointing without the dip coverage, right?  There are so many other disappointments in life, why let an un-dipped chip fragment be one of them?

Improve your life and double-dip! Be the Christopher Columbus of snack foods!  No one is looking anyway!

Double-dipping.  Life is good.

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Editor's note: practice double-dipping at your own risk. Strangely enough, not everyone believes all conventional wisdom.  For an alternate view on the 5-second rule, click here. Also, like Christopher Columbus when he began insisting the world was round and a path to the Indies could be found by sailing west, there is a good chance you will no longer be invited to the really good parties if you double-dip.  Of course, you may also end up impressing a rich queen and your life will never be the same again!  Think positively!

Visiting the Chicken

I recently returned from a trip to China.  In addition to visiting a number of historic (and ancient!) sites around the city of Xi'an, there is one activity that I engaged in above all others:

I ate.  I ate a LOT.

I believe that my hosts were determined to introduce me to every possible dish that was popular in the area.  At every single lunch and dinner there seemed to be a never ending supply of food being brought to our table.   In fact, one day, near the end of my trip, I was asked if I was getting full.  I replied, "I've been full since my second meal here!"

In short, the food was amazing.  I have no idea what it is that is served at the Chinese Buffets I've been to, but it certainly does not compare to the local food in Xi'an.  Everything is completely fresh, and full of flavor.  I was also surprised by the amount of red (cayenne) pepper that is used in their meals.  I consider this to be a very good thing!  They also used a lot of little green hot peppers.  Yum.

In at least one restaurant, when we ordered some fish, they first brought the fish to the table in a large black plastic bag for us to inspect and approve before it was cooked.  The fish was still alive.

That's fresh.

One evening, after I had been in China for a week or so, I went out to eat with a large group of people.   We had a nice private room which was wonderful.  Also, we were noisy, so we might have been assigned this room to keep the noise down.  Someone ordered some of the beginning courses and some beer, and after a discussion with some of the waitresses serving us (we had more than one!), they turned to me and asked me if "I'd like to visit the chicken."

By this time, I felt pretty comfortable with many Chinese customs - particularly those centered around eating, which, as I mentioned, I had done a LOT of already.  So, I knew what this was all about. I decided that I didn't really need to visit the chicken to see if it was fresh enough; my experience so far had been very good with the food, and this seemed to be quite a nice restaurant.  I was sure the chicken would be excellent.  It didn't need me to visit it.

So, I confidently stated that "no, I did not really need to visit the chicken, I'm sure that it is just fine!"

This reply seemed to cause just a little bit of a ripple of confusion to move through the group.  Apparently, they didn't understand exactly what I had just said.  This is understandable.  I speak English and they speak Chinese.  There are a lot of differences between these two languages, and while I thought they handled English very well (and I handled Chinese VERY poorly), it isn't too uncommon to have to say things in another way to be understood.

"I'm sure the chicken will be great.  I don't need to see the chicken running around before we eat."

More confusion ensued.  A number of Chinese-English dictionaries appeared.  Some of them were electronic. Pretty cool, really.  After a bit of typing, page turning, and people silently mouthing the words they saw, they repeated their question, with emphasis:

"No. Would you like to visit the chicken?"

There was no mistaking it. They wanted me to visit the chicken.  It seemed important.  I would give one last rebuttal.  I knew if this failed that I would probably be visiting the chicken whether I wanted to or not.  I was preparing mentally for a lot of feathers and a beheading.  Ewwww.

"No, really, I don't need to see the chicken. Please feel free to cut off it's little head without me present!"

Now, there was more than a ripple of confusion, there was a wave.  There was a hurried conversation with the servers and more consulting of the dictionaries.  They REALLY wanted me to visit the chicken, yet were confused by my responses at the same time.  I knew in my mind, that I was going to be visiting the chicken for sure.

"If it is really important that I visit the chicken before they cook it, I will go", I said.

I am ALL about international relations.  I didn't want to screw this up and mess up a trade agreement or something. I imagined getting my passport taken away when I returned to the United States.  How would I explain that?

Still, they again insisted that I visit the chicken, which I thought a bit odd since I had pretty much already agreed to visit the poor bird prior to its impending death.

"They would like you to visit the chicken to show you how clean it is!"

They bathe their chickens?  Impressive.

"The chickens are clean?"

"Chickens?"

"Yeah, you said they wanted to show me how clean the chickens were!"

"Not chickens. Chicken.  K. I. T. C. H. E. N.",  they spelled. "Chicken!"

OOOOOOOOOOHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You mean kitchen", I replied, thinking how funny my responses must have seemed, now that I knew what they were really saying.

"How do you say that?", they asked.

"Kitchen", I repeated.

"...Chicken...", they slowly repeated.

"No, kitchen", I replied, saying the word slowly and carefully.

"That's really hard to say."

I thought about it for a minute, and then agreed.  Kitchen really IS a hard word to say.

"OK. Let's go visit the CHICKEN", I told my hosts.

And we did.  It was very nice.  The chicken was good, too.

Fast Food Nirvana

Is it just me, or is McDonald's food much tastier when they are running their Monopoly game? The burgers are ketchup-ier and the fries are fry-ier They are doing this game right now, and it is almost irresistible to me. 

I really don't watch TV, so it always comes as a surprise to me when the game is on.  I usually discover it when I'm just driving down the street, minding my own business when suddenly I see the McDonald's Monopoly posters in the window of a restaurant.

STOP THE CAR!!!!   

I will yell this to no one in particular, since I'm generally the one driving.  Sometimes I listen to myself and run in and get a set of those wonderful little game pieces...and a burger and fries, too. Um, naturally I don't just stop the car in the middle of traffic. I obey all the appropriate rules and stuff.  Stopping the car right in the middle of traffic without warning of any kind would be wrong.  To my credit, though, can't the other drivers see the Monopoly signs?  I mean, really.

I'm not exactly sure what the appeal is, because we HAVE a real Monopoly Game at home, and also a Nintendo Gamecube version of the game (which is really fun, btw.  You have all kinds of different boards and animated characters and the game counts all your money for you!)

In fact, for me, the single most upsetting portion of the story I related on Monday (but didn't have space to get to it), is that once I finally had my food and was at my daughters game I just ate the fries out of the McDonald's bag...and then threw the bag away!  It wasn't until I got into the car and noticed the game pieces from my drink that I realized I HAD THROWN AWAY THE TWO FRY GAMEPIECES AND THE FOOTLOCKER COUPON!  Argh.

So, I think the honorable thing for McDonalds to do would be to give me some more game pieces for all my trouble.  If they are still attached to a box full of fries, I'll just have to deal with that, I suppose.