One Dad's Life

10 Ways I tried to Get to Sleep Last Night - and FAILED!

For whatever reason, once again I could not get to sleep last night.  So here are the things I tried to do to get drowsy.  Counting sheep is for amateurs.

1. Played Animal Crossing: City Folk. Fished in Animal Crossing: City Folk.  This usually works.  Fishing is SLOW, plus they play this soothing music.  Last night - fail.
2. Ripped some CDs in iTunes for the family iPods.  Watched the iTunes progress meter. Ripping CDs is slow, and boring.  Last night - fail.
3. Watched some TV. TV shows bore me. They make me go to sleep.  Last night, I watched 30 Rock, The Office, and Clean House.  I didn't go to sleep.  Fail.
4. Had a staring contest with my oldest cat, Tiffany.  She's really good at staring contests.  In fact, I think she has worked out a way to actually go to sleep with her eyes wide open. Non-blinking.  It's freaky.  I lost.
5. Watched guitar equipment reviews on YouTube.  LOTs of reviews.  Refer to that whole TV watching thing.  It didn't work.  I DID however generate a pretty big "wish list" of guitar stuff I now simply MUST have.  Total cost?  Approximately $225,000.00.   Yikes. That will wake you up.
6. Spent 10 minutes wishing that it was as easy to make money in real life as it is on Animal Crossing: City Folk.
7. Browsed the Hennesy Performance Engineering website, checking out their Camaros.  They are making 700 and 1000 H.P. versions this year. Yikes.  WAY WAY WAY out of my price range, and just nearly unreasonable power for a muscle car.  Clearly, the HPE550 Camaro is the most reasonable version.  I want.  Of course, if you read this blog regularly, you know that I would be TOTALLY happy with the base stock model, as long as it is has a manual transmission. While this could clearly count as "dreaming", I found that I was still not asleep.
8. Spent an additional 20 minutes wishing that it was as easy to make money in real life as it is on Animal Crossing: City Folk.
9. Tried to figure out what the opposite of "beige" is. Failed.  Also, did not go to sleep.
10. Drank an entire 12 pack of Dr. Pepper.  Really didn't work, butnowIhavesomuchtosayandIcan'tseemtogetallthewordsoutfastenough!

Maybe I should go back to counting sheep.  Oh, and by the way, I was kidding about the case of Dr. Pepper.  Everyone knows that after 6 or so, it can actually wake you up, a bit.

10 Ways to Occupy the Kids on a Snow Day

Well, if you live in the Midwest, and have school age children, it is likely that school is canceled. 

AWESOME!

Now what?  Rumor has it that with the wind that is coming, the wind chill will be dangerous outside, so you can't just lock them outside and pretend you can't hear them knocking.

I'm here to help.  Here is a list of 10 ways that you can occupy your kids for hours, while they are trapped in the house.

1. Dust the CDs.  In my house, this could take HOURS.  We have a lot of CDs.
2. Have them clean their room. I'm sure it needs it!
3. Challenge them to count the number of pictures of people playing "Guitar Hero" there are on Flickr.
4. Back rubs for Mom and Dad!
5. If you have more than one kid, have them try to hypnotize each other. If successful, tell them they are made of stone.
6. Have them paint the dogs toenails. Challenge version: paint the cat's claws.
7. Wii Sports Resort!
8. Have them guest write a post for your blog about how wonderful you are!
9. Have them pantomime all three "Lord of the Rings" movies...in the other room.
10. Have them put all of that toothpaste they leave in the sink BACK IN THE TUBE!

My Fantasy Christmas List

Before you go jumping to conclusions, the "One Dad's Life" household does NOT focus on the whole materialistic aspect common during Christmas season.  Well, unless you count the whole beef tenderloin we make each year for dinner (from Steak Paradise - Kenrick's, of course!) No, nearly all of our Christmas season is spent at our church, preparing for special services and performing for these services.  I heard it said best the other day that taking Christ out of Christmas would be like taking the jews out of Hanukkah!  So far, I haven't seen any effort taking place in that area!

So, what follows is pure escapist fantasy for me, OK?  Certainly, I'd love ALL of these things...or even one of them...but it won't drive me too crazy if it never happens.  That being said, here's my Fantasy Christmas List for 2009!

1. 2010 Camaro.  While I'm fantasizing, I'll take the SS with the 420 H.P. V8.  Or the Hennessey HPE550 Camaro.   Color not too important, I like nearly all of them, though I have a preference for ones with the hood stripes in contrasting color.  Blue with a white stripe is my current favorite.  Though, truly, the base model would be fine.  It must be a manual transmission though. NO AUTOMATIC.  That part is non-negotiable.  Thanks.
2. A mansion right on Lafayette Square.  I want to see the park out of my parlor window.  If that isn't possible, then perhaps something in Compton Heights?
3. A pair of Mesa Boogie Mark V amp heads and a pair of 4x12 cabs to go with it.  This would be the power house of a new guitar rig!  This would also pair up well with number 4.
4. Guitars.  Yeah, I have a bunch I want.  I'll list the top ones here - in no particular order, though I'd say the Taylor is on top. So, I'll start with that! Taylor 714CE acoustic, Music Man John Petrucci model with piezo bridge, PRS Custom 24, Guild 12-string acoustic, F412 or F512 with pickup system, Chris Squire Rickenbacker bass, Gibson Les Paul Standard, sunburst tiger striped top.  Whew, I'd better stop there before this gets ridiculous!
5. 32" 120HZ LG LCD TV.  For my home office. For video games and concert DVDs! If you want to go really crazy, I'll go with an LED LCD for crisper blacks and brighter color!
6. Yamaha Surround Sound system with my current Polk Audio Speakers (I LOVE them!).  Same reason as for #5.
7. Photography stuff. Again, big list. Let's go with a Nikon D300s, 50mm f1.4, 60 mm macro, 70-200mm f2.8, and a SB-900 flash head. This would all be a nice compliment for my D60 without going TOO crazy! I mean, that camera body is under $2000, and all of the lenses except for one is under a $1000.  I'm reasonable.
8. A Viking 6 burner stove.  There is not room for this in my current house, so naturally I'm assuming I'd find this in the kitchen of #2.
9. Keyboards. Again, there is a big list and honestly, I'm just waiting for a show to come along that REQUIRES one of these as my excuse to work on getting one.  Unfortunately, this hasn't happened, yet.  Hammond XK-3C, Alesis Andromeda or even Ion Analog Modeling synth, Moog mini-moog...the new one, not the original, Roland bass pedals (to use while playing guitar!), Kurzweil PC3x, Yamaha DX-7IIFD, Korg Wavestation AD module, and a PPG Wave 3.2!
10. Every Nintendo product ever made! It was too hard to narrow this one down - but to help, you can stick with items currently in production.
11. Time to enjoy all of the above (perhaps the most difficult item to achieve).

Coming up, what Christmas is really like in our household!

Thanksgiving 2009

Last Friday, I was stringing up the beginnings of our outdoor Christmas lights.  It hardly seems like another year has past!  I think that a year of big events strung together has really made it go fast.  So, I'm doing the traditional thing and making a brief list of things I'm thankful for this year.  I'm certain that major items will not make it on the list, while trivial items will...simply because this is a stream of consciousness post, so deal.

My top of the head thankful list for 2009:

1. Les Paul.  Les Paul died this year, but he has left behind a lifetime of innovation that impacts nearly every musician that records and certainly every musician that plays electric guitar!  For those of you who don't know anything about him, you should really spend a few moments reading up on the guy. He was an inspiration to MANY right up until his death this year, and I assume will continue to be such an inspiration for generations to come. My most treasured possession is a Gibson Les Paul guitar and some of my best memories have been made with this instrument!

2. Evidence is pointing towards the fact that we will actually survive our first year of having a teen daughter.  There is still a month to go, but we're in the home stretch now.

3. My St. Louis blogger friends.  Looking back at the year, it's amazing how much time I've spent with them, both in person and online.  They periodically make my day!  This week alone, Melody, Kimberly, Marianne, Lisa, and Kelli made my week all at once!

4. CM Productions.  Our fall production each year for the past five years has been the highlight of my year since we began as a theater production company.  Each year gets better and more amazing, and we meet more and more people in the prolific St. Louis theater world.  This year's production of "Annie" was a true joy to work on with so many talented people.

5. My job.  Without which very little else would be possible! Despite it driving me completely many days and taking up an increasing percentage of my time, I know that I'm fortunate to have such a good (and seemingly stable) job in an uncertain economic time.  As a perk, I got to visit Xi'an, China this year for a couple of weeks which was amazing!

6.Photography.  More times than I can count, crawling around in our garden taking close-up pictures of plants and bugs has caused me to be stunned by the amazing beauty all around us that God has created.  It's sad how often we rush past all of this this every day in our hurry to try to keep up with our busy schedules.

7. Old friends.  This year, I was lucky enough to run into one of my best friends from college.  Somehow we got disconnected in the flurry of things that occurs in your life just past college.  It's been really great catching up on all that has happened in each others lives, since!

8. My parents.  The more people I meet and get to know, the more I realize that there are a LOT of people out there that have had lives growing up that I can't even imagine.  My life has been what I'd have called "normal" just a few years ago, but I'm beginning to realize was more extraordinary rather than ordinary.  

9. My wife and kids.  I had to have them on this list, of course.  I could not have imagined the joy and fulfillment that has come with having my two daughters, Rebecca and Rachel.  Sure, it's tough at times, but the payoff is HUGE.  I can't imagine not having them in my life.  Then there is my talented and beautiful wife, Dianne.  I'm crazier for her today than the day we were married!

10. Finally, I'm thankful that the biggest thing that seems to be on my mind this Thanksgiving is the fact that those darn wings WON'T TUCK UNDER THE ENORMOUS TURKEY!!!!  That's right, I'm spoiled, and I'm thankful for it!

Unsupervised Dad

This is one of those weeks when everyone is out of the house, leaving me completely unsupervised! Bwa ha ha ha!

While the reality of the situation is that my week's schedule leaves me with little flexibility, I still dream of the crazy things I could do, while unsupervised.  Now, with any luck, this list will be completely different than previous "unsupervised" lists were...because I've already DONE all of those things, of course!   Without further delay, here are some ways I could spend my time this week:

1. Convert the girls' room into a temporary skateboard park.
2. 'Round the clock music listening at the proper sound level! (OK, this one I'm actually doing)
3. Watch "Steel Magnolias" without someone else hogging the Kleenex box.
4. Build a better mousetrap.
5. Finally take those Christmas lights down!
6. Figure out what all these unattached power supplies belong to and why they haven't been missed up to now!
7. Continue work on my fully functional light-saber. I'm sure I'm close!
8. Due to advice from legal council, I can't tell you exactly what I'm going to be doing, but let me just say it involves a potato cannon, and marshmallows in bulk.
9. Learn how to do back handsprings...or maybe just a front roll.
10. READ A BOOK!  I currently have one from the library I've renewed many times, and probably owe the max fee on, as well.  I really thought I'd have time to read it!

BTW, I'm just kidding about the Christmas lights. I'm not one of those people.

Dream Job

I've reached a point in my life (I'm 43 years old) where I think it's probably time to think about what I want to be when I grow up...you know, if that ever happens.

Since I've had trouble thinking of any reasonable career other than Nintendo Game Tester, I thought it might be a good idea to list some of the characteristics my dream job should have.  By all means, if you can think of a perfect match, let me know!

1. It should involve driving around one of those little golf carts with the canopy tops.  I need to have the top as I'm sensitive to the sun, you know.  I'm permanently pale!  Anyone I've ever seen driving one of those things around looks like they are having a blast.
2. Free Diet Dr. Pepper!
3. Casual dress code. By casual, I'm talking jeans and t-shirt. Shoes optional.
4. Travel that fits my schedule. I love traveling...hate trying to adapt my schedule into it. If I ever won Powerball, I'd see the inside of a 747 more than my house for a couple of months.
5. Something creative.  Working with finger-paints counts.
6. I should be able to work out on my back porch in the mornings, when weather in St. Louis is AWESOME.
7. Afternoon naps.
8. Plenty of opportunity for Mario Kart.  If Nintendo is listening, I'd be perfect as a tester for your next generation Wii and Mario Kart! I've dropped plenty of hints already. Don't you have anyone searching the blogosphere for your true fans?  I mean come on, if you Google "Nintendo Dad's Life" my blog comes up at NUMBER ONE on the search! What more do you need?
9. I want to be able to bring my dog to work.
10. 4-hour workdays. Seriously, my family's schedule really doesn't permit much time for a job.  Currently, I'm adjusting by not sleeping. I'd like that to change.
11. Candy Corn. In a dish. Glass, preferably.
12. My company car would be a 2010 Camaro SS.

Now, if I could just figure out what career this relates to.   I'll keep you updated as I add to and modify this list.  Let me know if you find something appropriate for me, ok?

Top Ten Things I'll Do When I'm Kicked To The Curb!

Yesterday, I did something for the first time in my life.  You probably won't believe it, if you read this blog on a regular basis, but I've never in my life pulled an April Fool's trick.  I guess I figure that since I mess with people so much of the year, I'd give them April Fool's day off.  I'm a contrarian!

Well, yesterday, I constructed a tale where the end result was that we might get kicked out of our house.  I was careful to weave in reality in such a way that 90% of the post was entirely true.  This made the other 10% believable.

Well, my wife totally bought it.  I was a bit surprised by this, yet delighted! The best part is that when I called her in the afternoon and she demanded to know how long I've known about this situation, I was trying to choke back laughing (and actually laughed out loud at several points), which she mistook for me being UPSET somehow.  I squeaked out that I would talk about it later, then sat at my desk for a while, giggling in glee.

So, now that I've pulled this stunt over on her, I need to do a little risk mitigation and make a plan for what I'll do if she kicks me to the curb over this.  Here, in the popular top ten list format, are the "Top Ten Things I'll Do When I'm Kicked To The Curb!"

1. I will compete with the homeless guys in the neighborhood in raiding the recylcing bins for cans on trash day!  A person has to have an income.
2. I will build a raft out of driftwood and debris and float the Mississippi just like Huckleberry Finn!
3. While sitting in my makeshift lean-to at night, I will work on the grand-unification theory - over candlelight - that has eluded scientists for generations.
4. I will take a correspondence course on how to make my own wicker furniture!
5. I'll travel the continent via boxcar!
6. I'll finally have time to get past the point I'm stuck on "The Legend of Zelda - The Phantom Hourglass" on my DS. I figure I can recharge it at park pavilions. They usually have power.
7. Peddle a line of "Hobo Fashion" down at Soulard Market.  I'm thinking it could take off just like the street gang fashion look that is so popular now! This could make me rich!
8. I'll make necklaces out of twisted clover and leave on my ex-porch for my kids.
9. I'll hunt for actual Indian artifacts.
10. I'll form a band, down by the river, with the other husbands who successfully pulled an April Fool's prank on their wife!

Now, I'm not saying that my wife is showing any signs of being upset over this, but you know how things can just fester!  However,  if "One Dad's Life" should suddenly go offline, you'll know what happened.

Top Ten Ways I'm Spending My "Free" Time While The Family Is Out of Town

My kids are currently on Spring Break, and Dianne took them to Kansas City to visit her family for the first part of the week.  While they are gone, I have a lot more "free" time, right?  Well, you know, there is still work and all the other "normal" activities, but still....

In no particular order, here are the Top Ten Ways I'm spending all of that "free" time.

1. Ran a fever!  Yes, isn't that special? Normally, I wouldn't have had the time.
2. Steam cleaned all the basement rooms.  Rented a "Rug Doctor" for this task, which is nice, but you fill out just as much paperwork as if you were renting a car. I didn't have to show proof of insurance, though.
3. Whittled away at some of the financial record keeping stuff. Technically, I had "time" to do this because of #1.  Got to get ready for them taxes!
4. Signed an executive order and enacted a house-wide ban on the show "Ghosthunters"...until Dianne returns.  (Ha! Take that, Dianne!)
5. Worked on eating my way through the food left in the fridge and pantry.
6. Dog wrestling.
7. Alphabetized my shoes. I have two pair - "casual" shoes for work, and tennis shoes. Oh, and my moccasin slippers.  Three pairs.
8. Found the tape measure! In case you are wondering, it was lost. I found it on the window sill in my daughters' room.
9. Mario Kart Wii!!! Did you know it's possible to get stuck IN A TREE on "The Maple Treeway" course? Well, I didn't...until I executed the worlds greatest jump and LANDED ON A BRANCH and couldn't get out! Naturally, I was playing online against my friend Tim, and it caused me to seriously lose that race.
10. Missing my wife and kids.

Top Ten Ways to Avoid Getting the Flu From Your Daughter

For the past four days, my oldest daughter Rebecca has been fighting the flu. I think it goes without saying that for the most part, we do not want to get the flu.  I say "for the most part", because I'd be lying if I didn't admit that at least once I was tempted to roll in a pile of use Kleenex as a way to get out of going to work!

So,making the assumption you don't actually want to do this, then here are some suggestions on how to avoid getting the flu from your daughter:

1. Sequester her in her room. Deliver food and drink by carefully pushing them to her from a great distance with a high quality stick.
2. Every twenty minutes, Lysol bomb the house.
3. Accept those "extra" assignments at work. As far as the family is concerned, they MUST be done "at" work.  It's everyone for themselves in these situations.
4. Rent an unused spacesuit from NASA.  Put daughter in suit.
5. If your daughter puts up too much of a fight for #4, rent enough suits for the REST of your family.  A procedural tip: make sure you understand how the astronauts handle "using the facilities" while in the suit.  This may make you want to look for another idea.
6. Rent the "Giant Inflatable Castle."  Install in your yard, move rest of family inside until the flu passes.  Remember, much like "the bubble boy", these have a positive air pressure that SHOULD keep the germs OUT.
7. Your daughter has a cell phone, right?  For the duration of the flu, all conversation will be conducted via texting or, gasp, an actual phone call.
8. Encase her assigned portion of the house in the full hazmat setup - like in E.T.
9. Live in your shower like Kramer did on Seinfeld. Dominoes delivers.
10. Tell the authorities you suspect your daughter has "Yellow Fever." They'll take care of the rest.

10 Unique Time Saving Ideas Busy Dads Can Use

My schedule is ridiculous.  There is really not time to just breathe, much less get anything done I need to get done. Doing things I merely want to do is nearly out of the question.  So this morning, I did a little brainstorming session to find ways I could gave a few extra moments here and there.  I'll have to tell you, some of these I'm already doing...but I'm not going to tell you which ones!

1. Install an "instant on" hot water system, constantly trickle hot water in the tub, and SLEEP there.  I'll wake up refreshed AND clean!
2. Issue sheets of paper to the kids full of the usual morning admonitions, saving me the time of constantly saying them: Stop playing with your toys, get dressed, don't get anything out, practice violin, feed the animals, zip up your backpack, paint your room, get in the car, etc.
3. Stop shaving. Grow a "mountain man" beard. I'll give you a minute to think about what that would look like on me.
4. Combine breakfast and personal hygiene activities by spreading toothpaste on my bagel.
5. Drive to work at twice the posted speed, swerve in and out of lanes, take dangerous risks.  My half hour drive of elevated heart rate will count as my aerobic exercise for the day!
6. Install my desk in the bathroom stall at work. This will have two benefits: should cut down on meetings and save on trips to the bathroom, which is on the opposite end of the building...and which are frequently necessary due to my soda addiction!
7. Install soda machine in the bathroom stall (see #5)
8. For the trip home, push-start my car UPHILL.  This will take care of the strength training portion of daily exercise!
9. Have my wife do my hobbies for me!
10. Invent a "thought to text" converter.  Install on my computer.  Install on my head. Write the blog while I sleep!