One Dad's Life

Seven Year Old Quote of the Day

Friday night, my wife and oldest daughter were out at one of her dance group shows, and I was taking my youngest, Rachel, to her K-2 Christmas Musical.

I was tired after a long, long, long week, so I did what I usually do in these situations.  I asked Rachel to help me out.

Gregg (G): Rachel, I am pooped.  Will you carry me?

Rachel (R):  (laughing) No dad, you are too old and I am too young.

G: Are you saying that you are weak?

R: No, You're just too big. Besides, girls don't want to be strong, just boys.

G: Why is that? Your Mom is very strong.

R: Well, young girls want to be beautiful and slender with smooth arms We don't want to be big with muscles bumping out.

G: Really?  I like muscles on girls!  Like on  your mom! It looks good.

R: Well, besides it wouldn't look right to be in a musical and to be standing up there to sing a nice solo with all your muscles sticking out!

(Apparently she hasn't taken a close look at the dancers!)

G: Really! (I was now officially at a loss for words).

Messing with the Kids - The "Haunted Door"

One of the greatest joys of parenthood is messing with your kids.  In fact, it is such a joy that I am just putting it out there for my daughters to read (who do read this blog - suckers!).  Even them knowing I'm doing it, won't lesson the joy I receive from doing it.

We have an older home. Sometimes in older homes, the doors squeak.  I actually kind of like this.  However, last Wednesday night I decided to use this door squeak to mess with my youngest daughter, Rachel, who just turned seven.

Let's turn on the "way back" machine and go back to last Wednesday night and listen in!

(Gregg slowly opens and closes the basement door - causing squeaks)

Gregg: (excitedly) Hey, I think the basement door is haunted!

(squeak)

Rachel: (looking just slightly concerned) What? What do you mean?

Gregg: Listen to the door (squeak) it sounds like a door in a haunted house. It must be haunted.

Rachel: (looking relieved) Why do you say that? It's just squeaking.

(squeak)

Gregg: (laughs in a hopefully scary way) Well, every time it squeaks, it makes me want to do this: (Gregg makes his best scary demonic laughter sound effect - Gregg was pleased with his effort and was waiting for the hopefully newly frightened response)

(squeak)

Rachel: (Seriously, and slightly puzzled) It makes you want to laugh like Santa Claus?

Gregg: (shocked. This was DEMONIC laughter, not Ho Ho Hoes!) What are you talking about, child? It's terrible scary laughter. You'll never sleep again. Listen closely. (Gregg tries again, harder, at the demonic laughter sound effect...along with the squeaking door)

(squeak)

Rachel: Definitely Santa Claus.

Gregg: (pondering the laugh) Ok, I guess maybe it does.

(SQUEAK!)

Gregg: Still, listen to the door! It wouldn't make that noise if it wasn't haunted!

(squeak)

Rachel: Dad, old doors squeak sometimes (SQUEAK!!!!), it doesn't mean the door is haunted. It means it needs oil.

(Gregg gives up squeaking the door)

Gregg: Oil?

Rachel: Yep.

So, where did she learn about oil?

You never could trick this kid.  I'm going to have to go look for her more gullible sister.

6-year old Quote of the Day

Toilet paper is very important to my youngest daughter, Rachel.  Besides it's normal and more expected use, she uses it to make "casts" for her "broken" arms, leg, foot, head, etc.   She uses it to make blankets for dolls, and in addition she uses it for general decorating.

Since she is always thinking about how things work and how things are made.  I should not have been surprised when she came to me this morning with the following description of where toilet paper comes from.

Rachel: Is it possible to make toilet paper?

Gregg:  Yes. Of course (I say in a groggy 6:30AM voice)  Where do you think it comes from?  It doesn't grow on trees!  (Classic.  Good one Dad)

R: Well, a machine could have made it.

G: That's true.

R: I know how a machine makes toilet paper.

G: How?

R: Well, first it takes two pieces of toilet paper and then it smashes them together and glues them together.  Then another machine comes and pokes the dots in it and then you have toilet paper!

G: Really.

R: Yeah.  I told this to Mom and she said, "You're right!"

G: Hmmm.  Interesting. How do you get the first piece of toilet paper that the machine uses?

R: I don't really know.

Author's Note: When I asked her to repeat this story so I would get it right, she ripped off a section of toilet paper and illustrated all of the steps she had originally told me.  She's always thinking!

See the Advantage Having a Six-year-old Gives You?

Having a child or two gives you some incredible advantages if you are an alltop.com daddy blogger. (yeah, me!) 

Author's note: OK. Hold on just for a second.  I'm going to have to comment on my very first sentence, already.  First, I kind of cringed just a little when I called myself a "daddy blogger."  Not that there is anything wrong with it, mind you.  It's just that prior to this weekend, I never really pigeon-holed myself as regards to this blog.  Of course, with a name like "One Dad's Life" you'd think I had, but really it was a case of that name not being taken, and I'm a dad...

However, I love hearing my daughters calling me "daddy" and there are definitely worse things I've been called!  This past weekend, my blog was also listed on alltop.com, in the "dads" section. (yeah, me!)  So, I'm a 'daddy blogger.' I'm still just a little bit excited. I totally promise this is the last time I brag about this (yeah, me!).  After all, I wouldn't want my head to actually pop!  (See yesterday's post).

Back to my original topic:

Sometimes, having a child causes posts to magically write themselves.  This is one of those posts.

Ever since my youngest daughter, Rachel, was a baby, she loved to watch concerts on TV.  Rock concerts.  So, we frequently cuddled on the couch and watched bands on DVD.  Since she started school, and had to have an actual bedtime, we haven't had much time to do this. Friday night, however, her older sister was out at a party, so we let her stay up and watch a concert with me.

We chose Pink Floyd - Pulse, and settled in for some tasty rock goodness.  Naturally, as Rachel is a motormouth, she talked constantly about what she was watching.  Listed below, in no particular order, are the Rachel quotes I could remember after watching the video, picking up her sister from the party, playing Guitar Hero III on the Wii, and probably some Mario Kart DS. 

Enjoy.

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Rachel (R): You have to turn up the stereo really loud for a rock concert DVD, don't you dad?

Gregg (G): You sure do, sweetie.

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(on watching David Gilmour using a guitar talkbox)

R: What's that tube he's putting in his mouth?

G: That's a tube that's hooked to a guitar amp. It funnels all the sound from the amp into his mouth.  When he moves his mouth, it makes it sound like the guitar is talking.

R:  I didn't know that where that weird sound was coming from!  What if he accidentally swallows the sound?  It's so loud, that would hurt him!

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(While listening to the song "Sorrow")

R: This would be a great song for Guitar Hero!

G: Yes it would!

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R: I want an electric guitar.  How much are electric guitars?  Are they more than pierced ears? (This is a major statement, Rachel wants pierced ears more than anything)

G: Oh yes, quite a bit more.

R: Why?

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( While watching a percussionist jumping around, playing his drums)

(Rachel jumps off the couch and imitates the percussionist)

R:  He has to jump around like this for two reasons, dad.  One, to look really cool, and two to reach the drums.

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(While listening to "Another Brick in the Wall part 2.  In part - "no more teachers.... teacher, leave those kids alone!")

R: They must have written this song about when they were in school and didn't like it as kids.

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(While listening to "Shine On You Crazy Diamond")

R: They wrote this about someone who used to play with them?  I bet that person is sad they aren't playing with them anymore when they hear this, it's a sad song.

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R: Those lasers are really cool.  Except you wouldn't want them on the stage, it would be dangerous. They are so bright and sharp they could hurt you!

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R: There are so many lights on the crowd in the stadium, it looks like intermission!

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(chanting under her breath when the first DVD ended, and afraid I would turn it off and send her to bed)

R: Don't turn it off, don't turn it off, don't turn it off...

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(When told that this whole extravaganza with the lighting, lasers, and video is what she missed at Rush.)

R: Well, this is better than live because they can show the whole stage and the guitar closeup at the same time on top of each other!

R: Anyway, I'll get to go next time, depending on how I behave, right dad?

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R: This is like the real thing, except the real thing is MUCH MUCH MUCH louder, and the stage is huge instead of being on a small screen.

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(In rationalizing why it would be better for herto go to a big concert rather than her sister, Rebecca)

R: Rebecca has problems with the very bright lights and loud sound.  (This is actually true, but she didn't seem bothered by Rush!)

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R: What's with the flying pig?

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(when hearing I have actually seen Pink Floyd live)

R: When you came out of the concert, were you so happy that you were crying?

G: No.  I won't admit to crying at a concert.

R:  Where you happy?

G:  Oh yes, it was one of the best concerts I had ever seen.

R:  'cause I saw on tv, some girls coming out of the Jonas Brothers concert and they were so happy they were crying.

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G: Life is good.

Fortune Cookie Quote of the Day

Today at work, my friend Gary came to my area clutching a small slip of paper.  He indicated that it was the fortune from a fortune cookie he got at lunch.  It read, "You are surrounded by friends that will be there when you need them."

Actually, that wasn't exactlywhat the cookie read, but I forgot.  I will probably be reminded tomorrow and then I'll fix the post!  He then turned to some other people standing there and said, "Well, where were you guys last night when I had to stay late and you all just disappeared?"  To which my friend Tom replied with the following Quote of the Day worthy line:

"Fortune Cookies aren't retroactive."

So, congratulations, Tom, for making the "One Dad's Life Quote of the Day Roster!"

6-year Old Quote of the Day

We have a list of ways that we like to embarrass our kids.  And, oh yes, there is a list.  Very very high on this list is the following phrase, which is used after a kid takes a while in the bathroom:

"Did everything come out OK?"

It's great!  It never fails to embarrass.  Of course, they are now beginning to expect it, as evidenced by an experience this weekend.

We were at a restaurant and my youngest had to go to the bathroom. So, off she went.  We waited, and waited.  Finally 10 or so minutes later she came out.  Boy were we looking forward to the using THE PHRASE.  Unfortunately, she knew that we wanted to use THE PHRASE.  

She emerged from the bathroom and came walking towards the table.  We anxiously waited in anticipation of using THE PHRASE.  She was almost in range...almost...just about there...and then with a huge smile on her face she said, "I had trouble." 

Wait.  This was taking some of the fun out of using the phrase.  We looked at each other, shrugged, and decided to use THE PHRASE anyway.  No one paid attention.  This is actually normal, but it still took some of the wind out of our sails.

So we repeated THE PHRASE.  We weren't born yesterday,  you know.  We knew if we kept repeating it, eventually the kids would get tired of us saying this in a public place.  So Rachel answered:

"No, it did not come out all right!"

We knew it!  We asked her, curious now, if she had "pooped."

She responded, with an even bigger smile on her face and with a loud voice, "That's ALL I did!"

Email Quote of the Day

I rarely discuss work in the context of this blog, other than periodic casual references as to how I should quit to make time for music and/or Nintendo.  There are a number of excellent reasons for this:

1. I'm in a position where it would be inappropriate to mention anything about my job or company.
2. Frequently, talking about work turns into griping, which is against my blog rules!
3. Most of the really humorous things that happen would violate #1 if I were to tell them.
4. I'm not in a position to not need my job.

However, I'm going to break with tradition, and relay something that happens at work.  Work, since it is work after all, is frequently stressful and frustrating.  A couple of us (see cleverly concealed picture at right) relieve this tension by sending each other emails that are just out of the blue, goofy things.  Um, no pun intended on the "out of the blue" statement.  It's also important to note that we are not wearing uniforms, nor did we plan the spectacle you see here.  Serendipity, folks.  I always have a camera available, so one of my employees took this picture.  Yes, I am just that weird.  I'm the cleverly anonymous person on the left.

I believe I mentioned yesterday that my writing is all about goofy things...well this extends to my work life as well.   These emails often arrive at such a perfect time of stress or frustration and are so completely unrelated to anything going on that you are totally caught by surprise and have to laugh. 

Here is a small sampling of phrases passed back and forth via email this week that will not violate reasons 1-4 above!  Most of these stood alone, others were part of a series.  I think you'll figure it out.

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"I'm going to read through my spam folders today.  That sounds fun!"

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"I just discovered that our anti-spam system blocked a message with the title Invitation to my babe party. Why on earth would I want that blocked?"

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"I was just thinking on the way in this morning that it would be awesome if someone would do a cover of Led Zeppelin's Kashmir, but with a Minnesota accent.  I'm amazed this hasn't been thought of sooner."   (note: This was mine!  I'm pretty proud of it)

"Would pay to hear Geddy Lee sing it, same thing..."

"Maybe Bob and Doug McKenzie could cover Kashmir and Geddy could just chime in...seems like that ought to hit your wheelhouse..."

"I would pay to hear Rush do just about anything. June 28th, Riverport (or whatever stupid corporate sponsor they currently have)"

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"Have you thought about a career as a Sidewalk De-goosepooper? You can go outside right now to demo it..."  (note: we frequently imagine alternate careers)

"Nope. That would be like working at the post office. The goose poop never stops!"

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"It still blows my mind that Neil Young and Rick James were once in a band together."

"CSNJ & Y?"

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"Smoked a moth in college. Long story, lost bet."

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"I'm quitting.  I will drive all night tonight to Disneyworld in the Orlando area and try to get a job as a pirate." 

"Don't forget your keyboard."  (note: see pirate keyboard picture in this post.  Click on it for larger view. I have no idea the source, but it was attached in the email!)

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"This afternoon...I may attempt to finish my (spec) for a new product - Cupless Coffee. Stay tuned."

"Some friendly advice. Don't do a Google Images search on cupless coffee. The 'coffee' part is innocent enough, but the 'cupless' part will get you into trouble.  Never mind how I know, I just do."

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"I think the three of us should have a talk show somewhere."

"I'd love to get a hold of the Montel Williams set."

"Do you have a lot of vests?"

"You need a tan. Just saying..."

"I'm not trying to copy Montel, I just want his furniture."

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"The goose eggs are hatching."  (note: this part was true, but it elicited the following response)

"Is that some kind of code? The gemstone is glistening. Repeat - the gemstone is glistening."

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"I'm so friggin bored with doing meeting minutes I just ate a packet of Nutrasweet, just to kinda see..."

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"I just invented a new sandwich I'm trying to sell McDonald's on.  It's breaded breading, deep fried.  'The McMock - The great taste of chicken, without the meat'  Thoughts?"

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"I think I might move my office to a Metrolink station. You know, for the quiet."

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"I'm bidding on that cool Harry Potter invisi-cloak on eBay right now..."

"That's all special effects. You are bidding on a moldy piece of gauze."

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I guess you no longer have to wonder where I find daily inspiration for the "One Dad's Life" blog.  It just follows me around!  I'm living it, baby!

"Kids Say the Darndest Things - Part 2" Quote of the Day

When the rare occasion arises that my whole family is home prior to bedtime, I like to read books aloud to the kids.  I'm not talking about Dr. Seuss type books, either. We've read quite a few books, including "The Hobbit", "Rip Van Winkle", "The Autobiography of Santa Claus", "A Christmas Carol", and many of the Harry Potter books.  They take quite a while to get through, but I think reading longer, and better, stories is a good thing. (Note:  I'm a huge Dr. Seuss fan, too, so don't send me hate mail about dissing the "Cat in the Hat!"  Thankyou.)

Currently, we are reading one of the Harry Potter books and there is a scene where they are sitting around listening to the radio.  They make mention that a song is playing on the radio called "A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong  Love."  Shortly thereafter, the author prints a verse of the lyrics in the book:

Oh, come and stir my cauldron, And if you do it right, I'll boil you up some hot strong love To keep you warm tonight.

Here is what transpired in my house immediately following this verse:

(immediate laughter from everyone in the room)

Gregg: My, that is kind of racy for Harry Potter!

Rachel (age 6): (laughing) Yes, that sounds like something a kid witch, who's a teen-ager, would say to another witch, who's a boy!

Everyone in room: (sustained and increased laughter)

Rachel: Yeah, sometimes I say crazy things.

Muny Auditions Quote of the Day

As told to me by my daughter, Rebecca, after her audition for the Muny (see the post below).  The name of the exuberant girl has been changed.  This has occurred largely because I'm in a rush, and forgot the actual name, plus to protect the innocent and all that stuff.

Friendly Muny Volunteer (FMV): OK kids, does everyone have their yellow cards?

Potential Miniature Muny Performers (PMMPs):  YES!!!

FMV: OK, hold them up so I can see them!

Narrator (that's me, Gregg):  OOOOOO, a photo opportunity!  (Shameless tie-in to yesterday's post)

FMV:  OK, Everyone memorize your number.  It helps if you do this... (FMV presses a yellow card to her forehead.)

PMMPs: (giggle)

FMV:  OK, now look at the person in front of you, and look at the person behind you and remember who they are, in case you get out of order.

PMMPs: (look around)

Rebecca: (looking behind her in line)

Exuberant Girl Behind Rebecca:  (with great enthusiasm as soon as Rebecca looks) HI!!!  My name is Kelly, what's yours!!!???!!!!

Rebecca: (looking wide-eyed and slightly shocked) Rebecca.

Exuberant Girl Behind Rebecca: People frequently think I'm tall for my age, what do you think?  Look!!! Let's meet some people, hey the line is moving, isn't this exciting, I wonder how many kids will be accepted, do you think it's getting warmer outside....(voice fades as they enter the elevator)

(editors note:  Actually, to satisfy the truth in blogging rules, I have to mention that the very last paragraph was completely made up from me after exuberant girl said "People frequently think I'm tall for my age, what do you think?"  I just extrapolated the rest from my daughter's description.)

"Kids Say the Darndest Things" Quote of the Day

While in the car last week, my wife, Dianne, was discussing the fact that she was a twin with one of our neighbor's kids.  My daughter, Rachel, had comments to make:

Neighbor's Kid (NK): You're a twin!?   Are you an identical twin?

Rachel: (excitedly piping in): NO!  My mom is not identical, she is a "turtle" twin!

Dianne: (not sure that she heard things correctly) A "turtle" twin?

Rachel: Yeah, that's right.  A "turtle" twin!

After some discussion, it would seem that what Rachel meant by "turtle" was "fraternal."   Apparently, she had heard the term "fraternal"  some time ago and remembered, although just a little off, all this time.

(Title is a nod to Art Linkletter's long running segment)